NO EXCUSE

There is no excuse for sexual abuse. I’ll say it again: There is absolutely no excuse for sexual abuse.

Many events in the past days pushed me to write about the abuser. The abuser’s biggest problem is that he deceives himself and deceives those around him. He deceives himself because he has killed his conscience — the part that distinguishes right from wrong — and even convinces himself that what he is doing is right, giving himself permission and justification, blaming his circumstances. It’s a huge lie he tells himself, and he makes others believe that he is the victim.

Let’s be clear: the abuser is not a victim. Sexual abuse is the sole responsibility of the abuser.

It is not because of stress, or not being married, or because of what the girl was wearing. It’s important to stay focused on the incident of sexual abuse itself, because the abuser is an expert in manipulation and in distracting society with side issues to avoid facing his wrongdoing.

As a society, we have believed lies that enable abusers to continue their crime:

First lie: that the victim is the cause — the girl’s clothing, the way she talks, the way she laughs, the way she walks.

Second lie: that “circumstances” made the abuser do this, such as not being married or being under pressure.

Third lie: that the abuser is mentally ill.

Fourth lie: that the abuser simply has an anger problem, and if we address it, the issue will be solved.

All of these are lies. We give the abuser excuses to continue what he is doing — we even encourage him.

Sexual abuse is the abuser’s choice. Yes — it is a choice.

When you confront an abuser about his actions, you will find him furious because he has lost control, and you will face tremendous resistance.

Another reaction you’ll see when confronting him is manipulation and maneuvering. The abuser is a master manipulator — he redirects attention away from the sexual abuse to secondary issues.

When an abuser pretends to be remorseful, he is not actually repentant. He is simply upset that he got caught.

The beginning of a genuine path of recovery and real, positive change for an abuser starts with admitting the sexual abuse and calling it by its true name, with no excuses. The next step is acknowledging the harm he has caused to the victims. He must admit the physical and psychological consequences he caused.

An abuser’s recovery is not impossible, but it requires—first and foremost—admitting the crime. The road to recovery is long. And if you see a sudden change, doubt that the change is real.

Enough with encouraging the abuser and oppressing the victim.

Dr. Laila Risgallah Wahba

Founder and President of Not Guilty