Trauma in Perfection

Beth was 14 — beloved, successful, the girl others wanted to be. Straight-A student. Captain of the debate team. Always smiling.But every night, she pushed a chair against her bedroom door.Years later she said:

“I wanted someone to notice. But I was too good at pretending.”

Trauma hides in perfection, often more than in disruption.

When adults imagine abuse, they imagine bruises, crying, or physical struggle. But trauma rarely speaks in obvious ways. Most of childhood abuse is invisible, hidden beneath achievements, compliance, laughter, or silence. We cannot protect what we cannot see — and many adults only look at the surface.

Children may not yet have vocabulary for what they feel — so their bodies and behavior become their language. When we learn to recognize subtle shifts, we begin to see the iceberg beneath the surface.

Think of a storm — sometimes rain falls loudly. Sometimes the only clue is a sudden cold wind.

What the Numbers Say

• 92% of abused children have no visible physical injury (National Children’s Alliance, 2024)

• Survivors wait an average 17 years before telling someone (Nassar Trial Data Review)

• 60% of adults who finally disclose say their abuse happened before age 12 (RAINN Report, 2023)

These statistics show one urgent truth:We cannot wait for children to tell us — we must learn to notice.

Why Awareness Matters

Children speak first through:

• withdrawal

• sudden fear of a place/person

• perfectionism

• sudden compliance

• sleep changes

• new clinginess

Adults sometimes label these as “attitude,” “phase,” or “dramatic.”But often — they are communication.

The right question is not:“What’s wrong with you?” but“What happened — and how did it feel?”

This week:

1️⃣ Choose one observation windowSpend 10 minutes watching your child — without correcting or multitasking.Notice energy, eye contact, posture.

2️⃣ Ask one open-ended question

“Tell me something that felt hard this week.”

3️⃣ Respond with curiosity, not reactionEven if you feel shocked — take a breath before speaking.Your face is their mirror.

4️⃣ Normalize emotionSay —

“Whatever you feel is allowed here.”

“Help me be a parent who hears beyond words.”